The Dopamine Flux

Living A Full Life With Mental Health Issues

I’d love to hear what you guys think!

FYI: Please goto my full site, here, to take the poll/survey. Thanks!

Hey all,

I haven’t been the best with keeping up my blogging schedule lately. For good reason, as well. I have a number of personal things going on, as well as special projects I am trying to implement.

So, without further ado, here is the current project.

Dopamine Flux: A collaboration of Mental Health and Art!

This specific magazine means a lot to me. I am very excited about it. If things go right, I hope to get it fully funded for a year out, and find some contributors for the first edition. I will know closer to end of April, which is Mental Health Awareness Month. Which I hope to launch the magazine by then.

If you’d like to help out, or learn more about it, and the incentives for backing the project, go to the Dopamine Flux Kickstarter page: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lindsaymusgrove/dopamine-flux-a-collaborative-mental-health-online-magazine

Prototype of Dopamine Flux

Thank you for taking the time to read this! And let me know what you think! I will be calling out for contributors, if things go well, in late April. So come back! I want to see you here!

-Lindsay

A valid way to say you’re a “people pleaser”, would be “I’m not trying to fan the flames”.

For what it’s worth, I am on my way to self-improvement, but slowly. That’s kind of where I would say “Thank you for your time”, and head off, but I am not letting myself, or YOU, get away that easily.

Straight up, are you a people pleaser? Do you feel that you need to make people in your life happy in order to accept you? I have a feeling quite a bit of people feel this way in some way or another. The good new is, you stand to be pretty chill and tame, am I right? Well, the bad news is, being a people pleaser will cause you A LOT of stress, both mentally and physically.

People pleasing can be codependent. It can be attached to fear from childhood, bullying in childhood and adulthood, anxiety, etc. I withstand to hold the information to my own ear, but here I am. It hurts as it is.

When I started understanding who I was as a person a few years ago, I thought my days of people pleasing would be over. I had just put in for an apartment with my then-boyfriend, and I surely thought I was on my way to massive mental independence. I was wrong. It turns out, three years later, I’m more of a people pleaser than ever before. The correlation to how much I could accomplish was the causation to how much more I need to please those that I dearly loved. Since I am doing so much, why don’t I try to achieve what my parents always wanted for me? Haha. The thought in my psyche, it kind of burns, a bit, and those people still aren’t happy with everything I am doing.

Breaking that niche feeling (that I’ve always actually kind of harnessed) is beyond hard. What comes first is self-acceptance. At what point will your self-esteem stop being able to hold the depth defying feeling of “If I do this/that, everyone will be proud of me” and the “If I could only do this, my life will be much better”. The various things people-pleasers tell themselves in a matter-of-fact way in order to keep their self-esteem just high enough to get through to another day. The amount of achievements, the amount of weight loss, finding Mr./Miss right that our parents will love, the ultimate job, the largest amount of cash, it’s never going to be enough to those people who never had both, your best interest at heart, and the love for you in their heart.

This includes parents who play favorites, friends who are centered towards negative thinking, the all-complaining spouse, etc. Often times the negativity that it put on you has been boiling in these people for a VERY long time, possibly their whole life.

This piece serves as a new beginning, and to some people, a reminder that it is possible to keep going through with what makes you happy as a individual. Hell, I may not know you but I am rooting the hell out for you!

A feeling within a feeling, at best, is what it can be described as. Within our lives the void we bear is a heavy one. It forgoes any actual value that we can calculate. As for someone like me, I turn to existential philosophy. What a ground burner to read Sartre in the rawest light I could’ve imagined him in. Beauvoir in a deep feminist state, I felt her pain as a woman. Imagine the theories arising from a modern Foucault. The deep state of depression intertwined with modern psychology and current lived studies.

I came to open my eyes today, after quitting my job. My job. A job. Not so much of a long-term career, if I had a say, and I suppose I do. The realization of a huge hole in my body, the physical deepness felt by depression, it’s irreplaceable. I drank two Modelo’s and downed a bit of Southern Comfort, and of course it did not help. I drove myself into a deeper feeling that I was unable to pull myself out from.

This depression, though, it’s different, it has meaning. The meaning, I don’t know, but I want to find it out. This depression, the meaning it has, is going to determine the order of the rest of my life. I can feel it.

When you feel that deep void, you start to wonder what the fuck is going on? Right? It’s an all-encompassing feeling.

I can’t help, but think, why now? Why am I feeling this now, when I thought I had it all figured out? Presumption before factual information is here.

Ask yourself these existential questions:

  • Who am I?
  • What is my purpose in life?
  • How do I define my purpose?
  • When will this purpose come into fruition?
  • At what point will I realize all of this?

The difference is in analyzation, in my opinion. I am often told not everything has to be analyzed. Do these naysayers know that I am an INFJ, though? The thought process that comes on is my way of life. “PERIODT”, as some say, a shut-down phrase. Let’s shut this down, altogether.

In a world full of naysayers, say “LET’S DO THIS!”, but don’t let the negativity get to you. At some point, enough thinking is enough. It becomes destructive. You have to know when to quit thinking. When to exit the deep thought. When to shut yourself down. I consider that a form of self-care. Shutting your thought processes down. A form of meditation to just turn it off.

Turn it off. For your sake.

I haven’t wrote very much this past week. I’ve been under immense stress and worry. I didn’t write last Monday, nor Friday. For that, I am sorry.

My 73-year-old father had his phone stolen by a customer at his work. I had to call the local police department, and have him file a report. Which, in turn, had me making a late night run to a used phone store. My mother has also been very ill. I hadn’t heard from her for maybe 4 days until today. She went on a trip and had come up ill. I was very concerned she had something worse, like the coronavirus, but she didn’t. She was very ill, but she is getting better.

Luckily for me, at this moment, my parents are safe and taken care of.

I’ll be 30 years old this year. I’ve only got so many months left in my 20s, and I really can’t believe I’ve made it this far. My cat is getting old, too. I’ve had her since she was 5 months old, and I swear on everything she is the best cat in the world. Very needy, but very loving. It can get annoying sometimes, but then you realize how much your pet actually loves you. She will be 15 in a few months.

The cycle of life can be a depressing thing. On one hand, you see everything and everyone around you dying, and their children growing up. Only to have the cycle repeat itself, ad infinum, maybe, who knows. Just like the grass is green, shiny, soft, and glowing at point, it’s just as much dead, skinny, and reposed the next. It comes back to it’s new bright green life again after it’s death. Similar to Jesus resurrecting on Easter Sunday, if you are Christian.

Fortunately, whether you are Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, etc, there is somewhere that is considered a much better, happier place than Earth. Our ability to find our peace within that cycle is ultimately a part of the better, happier place. Socrates and Plato regarded the body as a prison, and death as a means of freedom for the soul. Freedom, whatever it may mean to you, is a happy, freeing place. The kind we either work or have faith toward. Somewhere we all hope we can get to and attain essentially at the end of so much of the hard work we’ve put into our lives. Somewhat like a huge savings of retirement after leaving a lifelong job. We all want it.

Consider this. If we can be at peace with death, how can we find the peace within ourselves here on earth, through all the hell that earth dishes out? From murders, rapes, theft, trauma, psychological illness, physical illness, etc? How can we retain the positivity that will last us til our freedom?

It’s a different answer for everyone. My personal thoughts are, in order for that, we must search within ourselves for the happiness. Cheesy, right? Maybe you didn’t expect that one. In reality, we have to pull from the negative, the positive parts, and let me tell you, it’s gonna take some hell to go through to do it. But isn’t that what we are working towards, again? Our hard work will pay off for our freedom. Our mental hard work will pay off for our sanity to retained. And in that, the hard work could be anything from going to therapy, to quitting that job that makes us pull our hair out, to cutting off the toxic individuals, to…you name it, what’s something positive you can do towards bettering yourself as an individual, and retaining that happiness until we can have that eternal freedom?

-Lindsay M

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