The Dopamine Flux

Living A Full Life With Mental Health Issues

This issue hasn’t exactly got me tossing and turning yet, but I’m almost there. It could be called something of a “Quarter-Life Crisis”. Not sure if it applies to me. I am though going through some sort of existential crisis.

I am 24 years old. I will be 25 in some number of months (not too long from now) and I realize that, yes, I am getting older. I’m getting further and further away from my high school years. I graduated high school at 17. I went to college that same summer, of that same year, because my parents thought it was a smart idea. That’s a whole other story.

Well, at 24, I’m still in college. That’s not a bad thing, and it’s not a good thing. It’s not a good thing by society’s standards, but because of my mental health and many hospitalizations I went through, and the down times I had, It’s not a bad thing. It shows my resilience, my willingness to succeed and keep going, and persistence.

I’m studying philosophy right now. I love it! I especially love existentialism. Philosophy drew itself to me while going through the tough periods with Schizoaffective disorder and growing older, and thinking upon suicide, and “Where am I going in life?”. I’m still new to it, I’ll admit. Everyone starts somewhere in Philosophy, I was told.

So, where am I going in life at 24 going on 25, 26, 27, 28, 29…etc? I just see time ticking away away, whereas I just saw time sitting still when I was younger. I’ll still give the fact that sometimes I still do see time stand still, but then I look away and look back and it has passed. So there’s a whole new realization. I feel as if I’ve wasted so much of my time being hospitalized. I know I couldn’t have done much to stop that, but I still can’t help but feel like it’s time wasted. Especially the down time from medication. The sleeping all the time, mostly. Sleeping up to 12-16 hours a day at one point. Even once as to sleep 24 hours straight, if my memory serves me correct. That’s another thing. My memory. Where are my memories from my early twenties? My mid-to-late teens? Nothing but withered away from medications into oblivion. I feel lucky I even took a few pictures. I take a lot of pictures nowadays. Partly because I feel like my memory will be abolished from medications, but then I want to remember even the littlest things when I get even older. With all this technology around me why not use it?

The fact that I can even see a bit of time still standing still, somewhat, I feel shows I’m still youthful. Although, I don’t want to waste this youthful time doing nothing, or what I perceive as doing nothing. I want, and need, to fill my time up with memories, events, church, educating myself, and having a lot more (healthy) fun. Just ANYTHING besides being hospitalized. Anything besides that.

3 thoughts on “TwentySomethings Existential Crisis With Mental Illness

  1. Jacques says:

    Hi There,

    I just wanted to mention that I think you have a very nice website. It takes a lot of courage for you to write the way you do, and I commend that. I have a question, have you ever tried niacin, or some kind of nutritional therapy? it sounds like niacin, fish oil, and glycine all have promising benefits.

    also, you write “It’s not a good thing by society’s standards,” maybe american society, but I think it is fairly common in Europe, my university in Europe has a forty nine year old, who is studying social work (he was in the school newspaper) so I think you can really go to school at any age

    Best of luck,



    1. Moze Pray says:

      I do take Vitamin B12 pills as a supplement. Thank you for recommending that. I haven’t really tried fish oil.

      Thank for sharing the European side of things. It’s always interesting to hear another viewpoint from a different country. I’ve been in college for so long, I feel like somewhat of a pariah to my age group or to other people if I told them I was in college, but it may not exactly be that way. I might be overthinking it a bit. I might just be scared because I hold myself to such high standards, and my parents held me to such high standards that I see myself as a failure almost to not have gone and graduated college in the traditional 4-5 year span of time that some or maybe even most people would have. But thank you!


  2. Pallas says:

    Must have been fate that brought me ‘accidently’ to your Web Site. My Beautiful Granddaughter has been suffering with similar mental health issues. The frequent hospitalizations, the growing list of failed meds, the awful side affects.
    I have been on Web searching for hope, some miracle cure, some miraculous treatment.
    We are researching the Niacin regimen. She’s been on Omega 3 fish oils and we find that Krill oil with Astaxanthins, and Phospholipids have helped a lot. She’s also taking a good multiple vitamin with minerals, plus a B complex supplement. After genetic testing to try to identify which meds might work best for her they are weaning her off Haldol and gradually adding Abilify. Plus they discovered she is low in iron and folic acid and we are adding foods rich in both.
    I believe testing for levels of nutrients in the body might be very enlightening. At least it would help overall physical health and ability to deal with stress.
    I am almost afraid to mention helpful products online because I’m afraid they will be pulled from the market, or modified to become ineffective. The drug industry is so powerful and influential, and it seems obvious that they have more interest in huge profits by keeping patients dependent on powerfully expensive drugs. We must It hurts so badly to see that human beings would actually block natural treatments or actual cures to many diseases because they are growing filthy rich on drugs. I thank you again for this site


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