The Dopamine Flux

Living A Full Life With Mental Health Issues

I have finished my video pitch for my TEDx nomination. So, just have to wait til mid to late January to see if I’ve been chosen for 2020.

Thanksgiving was good, at max. I didn’t realize how drained people made me. I’ve been all about people for a couple or years now, growing out of my introvertedness. Thanksgiving really took the cake, though. I was cranky by the end of the day. And in between that, and my medication change, things have been somewhat rocky. I’m hopeful it will be ok, though.

I don’t think I’ll be going to that poetry jam, as me and fiance’s schedule conflicts on that day. Super bummed, but there will be other events like it. In the mean time, I’ll be working on the Brooklyn Art Library Project instead.

I’m not at my best of moods today, and I suspect I won’t be all week until things slow down. But if i get picked for TEDx i shouldn’t expect things to slow down at all for the next year. Which isn’t bad, but isn’t good either. Not for my mental health.

Things are getting somewhat better, in general. It’s slowing down, but I cant help but feel a general depression coming over me. A pretty bad one. I cant quite pinpoint what exactly is going on, but I do know some of this is fear, and some of this is, just plain sadness about my past. I tell many people I am doing things with someone in mind. People tell me I need to do things for myself. Though, they dont understand that dealing with depression, you need an anchor into this world to keep you here (speaking in a certain way for certain feelings). Luckily, even though I am not that far deep in my feelings, I do feel the need to keep my spirit anchored here by doing all that I do for my Dad.

I read someone posted about being busy and staying busy all the time is a trauma-based reaction. I didn’t know that. I know for me, partially, I was always told by my mother and a few other people that I don’t have a life and that I need to get one, and she still says that to this day. My sister rarely calls her, but i call her every few days now. So she seems to think i have all this free time. When in reality, I don’t, I just want her to know that I’m here for her and thinking about her. To her, though, it means I have too much free time. Which is very hurtful to me.

P.S. Lil’ Bub passed away on December 1st, 2019. RIP Lil Bub. I love you ❤

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

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