The Dopamine Flux

Living A Full Life With Mental Health Issues


I was nominated for the Liebster Award. I thought it was awesome.

I’d like to thank Undertaker Stories for nominating me! (Thank you for letting me use the award photo on my blog, as well!)

For my acceptance speech, I would like to thank really everyone who reads my blog, is struggling with a mental illness and fights it, and those that spread awareness of mental illness and Schizophrenia. I would also like to thank my friends at PsychCentral for standing by my blog, and my pursuit of documenting what I go through so that I can help and encourage others who might be afraid to speak out on their experiences.

Here are the rules, if you are nominated:

Each nominee must have under 200 followers

Thank and link to the nominating blog

Answer their 10 questions and propose 10 new ones for your nominees

Nominate 10 blogs and tell them that they’ve been nominated

Write a post containing the questions

Include these rules in the post

Here were the questions given to me by Undertaker Stories:

1.Which is your favourite room in your house/apartment?

That would probably be my room, because I have converted my closet into a computer/work station. I think it’s quite amazing, haha.

2. Who made the greatest difference in your life – good or bad?

My father, and it has mainly been good differences. He’s been there for me through thick and thin, as parents definitely should be.

3. What is the meaning of life?

Acquiring knowledge. I honestly believe that.

4.When you grow up, who do you want to be like?

That’s a hard question. I have a lot of influences. I want to be myself, but a mix up of all my influences.

5. Name the single most irritating thing that happens to you regularly.

I regularly stub my toe in doorways. I’m not sure why. Haha.

6. What would you never change about yourself, even if you could?

I wonder if anyone is expecting me to say something about my mental illness here, but I’m not. I would actually change, MAYBE being more outgoing than I am. I like being introverted but it’s a little too much introversion than I’d like, I suppose.

7. Do you like Jell -O?

I actually don’t, sorry, haha.

8. What are your thoughts on capitalism? (make it short or write a separate post if you have that many thoughts on it)

Oh, wow. I like how the United States is a Republic? From what I know about capitalism, I don’t think it would be a good path to take.

9.Who is your favourite musician/band/musical artist?

The Mars Volta, all the way!

10. Having done all this work, would you ever accept another award?

Maybe so. I like bringing attention to other writers/bloggers that put time and effort into their blogs. This was quite a bit of work though. More than I thought.

Here are my 10 questions for the following nominated blogs:

1. What would you like to accomplish with your blog?

2. How often do you post to your blog?

3. Do you still read the newspaper?

4. What’s your stance on fighting stigma regarding mental illness?

5. What is one place you would like to travel to in the world?

6. Name something odd about yourself that you do.

7. Do you like photography?

8. Do you have any pets?

9. Mac or Windows?

10. Why did you start a blog?

These are the blogs I have nominated:

Teanami

Suicidal Transgirl

Schizo Serenity

A Schizophrenic Experience

Scrappie Momma

Bipolar1Blog

A Suicide Letter

Just Don’t Say I’m Crazy

Mad Girl’s Lament

Mental Illness Talk

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My therapist appointment didn’t go well. I called my clinic for help the other day, and I was met with having to sign a consent form to make sure I took my medications. At that point I didn’t even want to talk to my therapist about what was going on with me. I don’t really trust my therapist. I never really have, but I’ve tried opening up once. I don’t know if I can do that again. They want me to be honest, and open, but when I am I feel like it’s used against me. I just can’t trust anyone like that.

No one really understands my situation, but I get that. No one really knows what I’m going through, but I get that. Partly because, I just don’t either tell anyone anything or I say I’m “Ok”. I’m also partly paranoid about telling people stuff, but I know no one can help me. I’ve been in the mental health system since I was 12 or 13, and I have never gotten the help I needed, or true help. I’m put through ringers, or I slip through the cracks. That’s mostly what happens. So when I got around 20 years old I just quit telling people what’s truly going on with me. Just everybody. Not just mental health professionals, but family.

I feel completely lost, and without so much hope, because I have no real support system. My mental health support at my clinic is not stable. They’ve changed my psychiatrist and therapist two or three times in the past two years i’ve been there. I have no friends and my family is in pieces. The typical divorced parents, and one parent does not contact me much.


On March 1st, 2015, I got a great opportunity to be in the NAMI commercial for mental health awareness month in May. I was filmed as an extra, in Dallas, TX. The commercial will air in May. I can’t wait to see it, and for awareness to spread and stigma to lessen as much as it can. I will post the commercial when it comes in. So keep a look out for it! In the mean time, visit www.NAMI.org and look for your local NAMI chapter!

Also, go by an visit the Mental Health Awareness Month page!


My therapist said that after a month she will reevaluate giving me hour sessions, more sessions, and not having to have my parent come into the sessions with me. Right now I’m seeing a therapist 30 minutes a month, and I have to have my parent sit in all the sessions with me.

I’m happy, but that took so long. I’ve been seeing her for over 6 months now. Over half a year. Part of me doesn’t understand why I have to fight so hard for good therapy to the point where I have to consider changing therapists or clinics. Nothing is fair at this clinic. They take so much of my money. I thought it was because they were just too booked to get me in for hour sessions, and more sessions. That’s really not the case. I just think they don’t really care. I really don’t.

My psychosis has been getting worse over the past couple of weeks. I think I might be in denial, I don’t know. I keep saying I am having many mini episodes. In reality, I think I am just over the threshold into psychosis now and having bouts of “normalcy” every now and then. My episodes are just more and more, and times when I’m “Ok” is becoming less and less. I am having tons of voices, and my paranoia is ramped up so incredibly high. I get disorganized at times when the voices become overpowering. Maybe my anxiety worsening over the past few months was a sign, I am not even sure. I feel like I knew what the signs were, but either I forgot the signs or they seem to take a different pattern each time. I become confused a lot, even when I’m not hearing voices. I get confused and forget, a lot.

I’ve put a lot on my plate in the past few months; attending college again, getting out more. Actually that’s the main things I’ve been doing, but it’s extremely stressful, and I don’t think I might have taken the right approach to it, and may have done it too fast. I don’t know. I’m really confused about everything right now.


i saw my therapist today…had to pay 100 dollars today for past costs that the clinic forgot to charge me for. They arent keeping their records right.

I may not have to have my parent in the sessions with me anymore. Im not sure. We are doing a trial run with that. Today it went well, and we are trying it again just one-on-one next time, too.

I feel barraged by stress. So much stress. I feel like i’m putting myself through it, but then why would I put myself through stress? I feel constantly watched by police, private investigators, and the government. Especially police. I can’t ever shake that knowledge and feeling. i dont just FEEL it; I KNOW i’m being watched.

I’m drinking to rid my stress and anxiety right now. I just want everything in my life to go away right now. I want to be alone so bad but then i’m too scared to be alone. I really just almost want to be dead, honestly.


I am reluctant towards medicine. Even though I can get relief from some of them. I don’t want to be held down by side effects.

I don’t know if I can keep going like I am. I’ve been off Antipsychotics for a year, given that ive taken my Haldol a few times in between. I don’t think I have the strength to hold myself up through not taking them. Things go well off them for awhile, and after about a month or two things start to unravel a tiny bit here and there.

I’m actually confused. It’s night here.
Sitting here and hearing bits of sound outside my window and muffled voices from my walls, A/C unit, and thin air…I still am confused as to how sick I might be right now. I’m used to some of these sounds and voices, yet they still give me anxiety and instill fear.

I feel watched. Paranoid.
I feel like I’m on a mission.


I’m not sure how I feel about this, but I’ve somehow dug myself into a really deep hole.

Through gaining weight on medications, I’ve become really resistant to food. I want to lose weight so badly. It’s bad enough, the side effects of all these meds like Haldol and Seroquel, and mostly all of them. Now i’ll just do anything to lose weight…

I just finished a bowl of spaghetti from a restaurant. It took me 3 days to eat it. I would take 4-5 bites and I would be full. I can’t eat much because I’ve come to starve myself so much in the past few months to lose weight. Some days I didnt eat at all. This could possibly turn into some sort of new diagnosis for me, in regards to disordered eating…but I don’t want this to come to light. Although, if I become thin enough, it will. I’ve already had people badmouthing me and telling me that I am too getting too skinny. Which I know for a fact isn’t true. I started losing weight when I was in the 150’s this year. Which actually made me overweight – borderline obese. I gained weight in the past, going up to 180, but I lost it in healthy ways. I actually dont know how I did it.

Well, I know how I am losing it now.

Honestly I see all of this as a result of what the Antipsychotics put me through. Gaining weight on them is just one side effect but for most people taking them, it’s major, and personally it lowered my self esteem so much. I couldn’t walk much without getting tired. My joints were hurting all the time and I had back and knee pain from being overweight. I also was pre-Diabetic. And of course, I didnt look good.

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