Tag Archives: Antipsychotics

Project in the Works


Hey guys!

Hope your weekend was kind to you! I have been absolutely exhausted due to a new raise on the dosage of my medication. I had debated about raising it with my doctor, for about 2 months. We did it, and now I seem unable to function daily with this new dosage so far. I’ve only been on it for a week, and I am so tired when I feel like I shouldn’t be.

I have a question for you guys. I had thoughts about making a sort of mental health planner. It would be somewhat like a regular planner, but it would have a mental health focus to it. Where you could, maybe, write down moods, journal, etc, maybe even have a place to write about your medications.

Would you guys buy it?

Let me know if this is worth it!

(BTW: Went to a petting zoo. Saw this little piggie!)

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

A Little Forethought


I should’ve seen it coming a mile way. I’m know myself better than anyone, right? Better than any doctor, psychiatrist, therapist, right? But I thought I would be fine.

I’m late posting this, very late, because today (see: this morning) I went through a grueling emotional rollercoaster, and physical turmoil. I didn’t have my medication. I was out, and I hadn’t slept all night.

I was out due to some error on either my pharmacy’s side, or my doctor’s side. Which ended up having to have my medication pre-authorized, but I was out. I was already feeling the physical, mental, and emotional withdrawals that come with antipsychotic withdrawals.

I was told I would have to pay out of pocket to get the medication, or wait days for it to be pre-authorized. I decided to pay out of pocket. Went up to a local pharmacy, and they quoted me at $400. Which I did not have. I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I turned around and looked at my fiance, and began to spiral at the pharmacy, emotionally. The lady asked if me I wanted to wait for the authorization. I almost said yes, but instead said, “Can you use GoodRx?”. She said “Yes”, and I prayed for a lower price. She told me it would be $52 dollars total. I went and shopped for groceries, and came back, nervously. She said they didn’t have enough in stock, but she could give me a 3 days supply, and I can come back in three days and get the rest. That I wouldn’t have to pay anything for today.

I breathed a sigh of relief, and my thoughts calmed in my head. I looked over at my fiance, and gave him a look of relief, but a look of the fear I had been holding in all day.

I should’ve seen it coming, missing a night’s and day’s worth of medication, but I didn’t. For one, this was a semi-new medication for me, so I didn’t know what to expect with missing a day’s worth of pills. I thought I could will myself through it, though. That was my biggest mistake. I’ve already been under enough stress while on all my medications. So, I’m not quite sure what made think I could be ok going without, especially when I didn’t know how long I’d be without.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

This Is What Happens When I Start To Relapse (Briefly)


I was doing well for a bit, and at first didn’t have time to write here the past week because my schedule was pretty busy. My schedule is still busy, but then I started really going downhill. I started having more episodes, and they have been becoming more severe.

I’m in denial, I think, that I am in relapse because I have been doing so well for so long. These past 2 months have been relapse, and the whole time when I was having mini episodes I was thinking, “Well, what if I relapse?”. Well I already am relapsing. Sure I was having mini episodes before 2 months ago, but it was far and few in between, and they didn’t get severe. Now the episodes are becoming more, and becoming severe. My paranoia is ramping up, my anxiety/panic attacks are very severe, my hallucinations are becoming more and more (which I don’t always have), and I become confused a lot more. My paranoia is something that I have a huge problem with as far as positive symptoms.

One example, I remember sitting on the couch watching the news yesterday and every person’s face and name that passed across the screen, I had sworn I knew them in real life, like outside of the news. I sworn I knew them and they have tried to kill me before in the past. I had vivid memories of them trying to kill me. Then a few minutes later I had no idea what I was watching. I didn’t know what the program was, even though it was still the news. My confusion just kicked in liked that; I became very confused. It wasn’t a memory issue. It became a confusion thing. I can say all that now, but I couldn’t then.

My psychiatrist quit and I am dealing with a new provider. Which has taken me off my anti-depressant. I was really upset. I’ve been on one my whole life until I got to this community clinic. Then I asked a year ago for one because I believed I needed one. Then this new provider took me off because she saw I was only on it for a year. I stopped taking it for a week because of side effects and I went in thinking I was going to be able to change it to something else (because of the side effects). I was just taken off.

I try to write when I have some clarity. I’ve been putting off updating the past three days so I can write with clarity.

I’m really nervous I will fail my courses in college because I am only halfway through. I just started back going to college, so this is not a good thing that is happening.

I’m really not sure how I will get through this.

Voices In the Dark


I am reluctant towards medicine. Even though I can get relief from some of them. I don’t want to be held down by side effects.

I don’t know if I can keep going like I am. I’ve been off Antipsychotics for a year, given that ive taken my Haldol a few times in between. I don’t think I have the strength to hold myself up through not taking them. Things go well off them for awhile, and after about a month or two things start to unravel a tiny bit here and there.

I’m actually confused. It’s night here.
Sitting here and hearing bits of sound outside my window and muffled voices from my walls, A/C unit, and thin air…I still am confused as to how sick I might be right now. I’m used to some of these sounds and voices, yet they still give me anxiety and instill fear.

I feel watched. Paranoid.
I feel like I’m on a mission.

Eating Disorders And Schizophrenia


I’m not sure how I feel about this, but I’ve somehow dug myself into a really deep hole.

Through gaining weight on medications, I’ve become really resistant to food. I want to lose weight so badly. It’s bad enough, the side effects of all these meds like Haldol and Seroquel, and mostly all of them. Now i’ll just do anything to lose weight…

I just finished a bowl of spaghetti from a restaurant. It took me 3 days to eat it. I would take 4-5 bites and I would be full. I can’t eat much because I’ve come to starve myself so much in the past few months to lose weight. Some days I didnt eat at all. This could possibly turn into some sort of new diagnosis for me, in regards to disordered eating…but I don’t want this to come to light. Although, if I become thin enough, it will. I’ve already had people badmouthing me and telling me that I am too getting too skinny. Which I know for a fact isn’t true. I started losing weight when I was in the 150’s this year. Which actually made me overweight – borderline obese. I gained weight in the past, going up to 180, but I lost it in healthy ways. I actually dont know how I did it.

Well, I know how I am losing it now.

Honestly I see all of this as a result of what the Antipsychotics put me through. Gaining weight on them is just one side effect but for most people taking them, it’s major, and personally it lowered my self esteem so much. I couldn’t walk much without getting tired. My joints were hurting all the time and I had back and knee pain from being overweight. I also was pre-Diabetic. And of course, I didnt look good.

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