Tag Archives: philosophy

Extroversion Eludes Me


Extroversion eludes me.

I’m not naturally extroverted. Is that ok? My parents have been divorced since I was about 15. My father works all day, and I’m home all day. Right now I’m in college, so I’m studying and I try to get out and try to keep myself busy but it’s not that easy, especially when I have no one else to spend my time with. I don’t know but one or two other people I can spend my time with that’s not my parents. Although, I end up spending my time with my parents.

So extroversion naturally just eludes me. It just naturally slips away from me, between my fingers. I can never hold onto it, as much as I wish or want to.

The funny thing about all of this is what I’m studying. Studying philosophy, and existentialism being my favorite topic, is a profound thing. I found out where I am on the totem pole of human beings and extroversion vs introversion. Of course, that’s also a topic for psychology, being a big thing with Carl Jung.

I’ve always done things alone. Activities, working, playing, etc, I have done alone. I have always felt that I have wanted to do things alone, but at the same time I have felt I’ve always done things best when I’ve done them alone. I’ve gotten things done more efficiently alone, and the outcome has been better. As I’ve gotten older I’ve stayed the same a bit, but maybe have wanted more of a balance between introversion and extroversion. Not so much introversion. I think it’s because I’ve had more introverted time as I’ve gotten older, and I feel I need to be exposed to more people to balance it out. I could possibly go back to wanting more introversion. Overall, I feel I need a balance. At least for right now. I still know know for sure, though, that I am highly more introverted than extroverted. But is that ok? In this society it doesn’t feel ok. Not as ok as it plays out to be.

TwentySomethings Existential Crisis With Mental Illness


This issue hasn’t exactly got me tossing and turning yet, but I’m almost there. It could be called something of a “Quarter-Life Crisis”. Not sure if it applies to me. I am though going through some sort of existential crisis.

I am 24 years old. I will be 25 in some number of months (not too long from now) and I realize that, yes, I am getting older. I’m getting further and further away from my high school years. I graduated high school at 17. I went to college that same summer, of that same year, because my parents thought it was a smart idea. That’s a whole other story.

Well, at 24, I’m still in college. That’s not a bad thing, and it’s not a good thing. It’s not a good thing by society’s standards, but because of my mental health and many hospitalizations I went through, and the down times I had, It’s not a bad thing. It shows my resilience, my willingness to succeed and keep going, and persistence.

I’m studying philosophy right now. I love it! I especially love existentialism. Philosophy drew itself to me while going through the tough periods with Schizoaffective disorder and growing older, and thinking upon suicide, and “Where am I going in life?”. I’m still new to it, I’ll admit. Everyone starts somewhere in Philosophy, I was told.

So, where am I going in life at 24 going on 25, 26, 27, 28, 29…etc? I just see time ticking away away, whereas I just saw time sitting still when I was younger. I’ll still give the fact that sometimes I still do see time stand still, but then I look away and look back and it has passed. So there’s a whole new realization. I feel as if I’ve wasted so much of my time being hospitalized. I know I couldn’t have done much to stop that, but I still can’t help but feel like it’s time wasted. Especially the down time from medication. The sleeping all the time, mostly. Sleeping up to 12-16 hours a day at one point. Even once as to sleep 24 hours straight, if my memory serves me correct. That’s another thing. My memory. Where are my memories from my early twenties? My mid-to-late teens? Nothing but withered away from medications into oblivion. I feel lucky I even took a few pictures. I take a lot of pictures nowadays. Partly because I feel like my memory will be abolished from medications, but then I want to remember even the littlest things when I get even older. With all this technology around me why not use it?

The fact that I can even see a bit of time still standing still, somewhat, I feel shows I’m still youthful. Although, I don’t want to waste this youthful time doing nothing, or what I perceive as doing nothing. I want, and need, to fill my time up with memories, events, church, educating myself, and having a lot more (healthy) fun. Just ANYTHING besides being hospitalized. Anything besides that.

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