Tag Archives: poverty

A Little Forethought


I should’ve seen it coming a mile way. I’m know myself better than anyone, right? Better than any doctor, psychiatrist, therapist, right? But I thought I would be fine.

I’m late posting this, very late, because today (see: this morning) I went through a grueling emotional rollercoaster, and physical turmoil. I didn’t have my medication. I was out, and I hadn’t slept all night.

I was out due to some error on either my pharmacy’s side, or my doctor’s side. Which ended up having to have my medication pre-authorized, but I was out. I was already feeling the physical, mental, and emotional withdrawals that come with antipsychotic withdrawals.

I was told I would have to pay out of pocket to get the medication, or wait days for it to be pre-authorized. I decided to pay out of pocket. Went up to a local pharmacy, and they quoted me at $400. Which I did not have. I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I turned around and looked at my fiance, and began to spiral at the pharmacy, emotionally. The lady asked if me I wanted to wait for the authorization. I almost said yes, but instead said, “Can you use GoodRx?”. She said “Yes”, and I prayed for a lower price. She told me it would be $52 dollars total. I went and shopped for groceries, and came back, nervously. She said they didn’t have enough in stock, but she could give me a 3 days supply, and I can come back in three days and get the rest. That I wouldn’t have to pay anything for today.

I breathed a sigh of relief, and my thoughts calmed in my head. I looked over at my fiance, and gave him a look of relief, but a look of the fear I had been holding in all day.

I should’ve seen it coming, missing a night’s and day’s worth of medication, but I didn’t. For one, this was a semi-new medication for me, so I didn’t know what to expect with missing a day’s worth of pills. I thought I could will myself through it, though. That was my biggest mistake. I’ve already been under enough stress while on all my medications. So, I’m not quite sure what made think I could be ok going without, especially when I didn’t know how long I’d be without.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

I Took A Huge Step Forward Yesterday


So, I have applied for some jobs.

Being on disability is hard. For me, it’s a miracle, but then it is also a curse. It helps with financial difficulties, no doubt. As well as, getting the medical care I need for my mental health, and being able to afford my medication.

But then, it is like I curse. I sit at home all day, alone, doing random things. I don’t get proper exercise, I haven’t made friends in years, etc, stuff that having a job would provide. So I definitely needed that change in my life. For about 6 years I’ve been going to a county clinic that aided by providing group support, as well as, therapy, and psychiatric help.

I need a change, and I hope this job can provide, as I also cannot afford the monthly income I receive with disability.

Let’s hope for the best!

The Fact Of The Matter Is…


within every person with schizophrenia is a different person. we are all different.

also i dont buy into the fact the people with schizophrenia arent depressed. maybe not clinical and so bad to needing ECT. but this is such a lonely disorder. i refuse to say disease. i need hours upon hours of alone time. but to be alone for so many years is a different thing. i actually handled it well minus the psychosis for 4 years. idk whats differnt abut this year. maybe that my neighbor died. and it has me questioning life and the purpose of it. but this and last year have been the worst years of my life.

2008 was bad. but its like 2008 when i was almost homeless is like hitting me now i think because i didnt realize the impact money has until i got on disability last year. and now im on food stamps. who knows how long ill have all that too. i fear ill lose any at any review time.

i may not be a leper in my eyes but im another poverty statistic. another mentally ill poverty statistic. the kinda person sociologists report on in the news and articles online and how we need to help these people. but help never comes around. its all talk. and we are all stuck in the same place with money woes and mentally ill minds and loneliness and other health issues and other issues. well yea who wouldnt be depressed.

in 2007 when i was 16 i was for sure id be a film student at a top texas university mingling with very few people but at the near top envied with my creative visions. never a nobody on disability and food stamps. not a single soul known in my mind. my dad taking care of me. and a racked up number of police records and hospital stays. #1 member at club meds. in the top 5 at a least. everything turned to hell in prodromal symptoms in 2008 and a full blown psychotic episode that same year when i was borderline homeless. and every year of my life since then too. and it only gets worse. the symptoms. my life situation. the environment. etc.

dont tell me to not give up. ive given up already. dont give me that bullsh_t about trying harder or giving it time or how the meds will work it evenly out. now all i can think about is how to live minute by minute on these meds with still symptoms vying for my attention. talking to my voices alone and in public. and fearing what i know is real. dont tell me its not. because it is.

im alone in this and always will be. question is how can i NOT kill myself over that fact.

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