Tag Archives: psychiatrist

Project in the Works


Hey guys!

Hope your weekend was kind to you! I have been absolutely exhausted due to a new raise on the dosage of my medication. I had debated about raising it with my doctor, for about 2 months. We did it, and now I seem unable to function daily with this new dosage so far. I’ve only been on it for a week, and I am so tired when I feel like I shouldn’t be.

I have a question for you guys. I had thoughts about making a sort of mental health planner. It would be somewhat like a regular planner, but it would have a mental health focus to it. Where you could, maybe, write down moods, journal, etc, maybe even have a place to write about your medications.

Would you guys buy it?

Let me know if this is worth it!

(BTW: Went to a petting zoo. Saw this little piggie!)

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

This Is What Happens When I Start To Relapse (Briefly)


I was doing well for a bit, and at first didn’t have time to write here the past week because my schedule was pretty busy. My schedule is still busy, but then I started really going downhill. I started having more episodes, and they have been becoming more severe.

I’m in denial, I think, that I am in relapse because I have been doing so well for so long. These past 2 months have been relapse, and the whole time when I was having mini episodes I was thinking, “Well, what if I relapse?”. Well I already am relapsing. Sure I was having mini episodes before 2 months ago, but it was far and few in between, and they didn’t get severe. Now the episodes are becoming more, and becoming severe. My paranoia is ramping up, my anxiety/panic attacks are very severe, my hallucinations are becoming more and more (which I don’t always have), and I become confused a lot more. My paranoia is something that I have a huge problem with as far as positive symptoms.

One example, I remember sitting on the couch watching the news yesterday and every person’s face and name that passed across the screen, I had sworn I knew them in real life, like outside of the news. I sworn I knew them and they have tried to kill me before in the past. I had vivid memories of them trying to kill me. Then a few minutes later I had no idea what I was watching. I didn’t know what the program was, even though it was still the news. My confusion just kicked in liked that; I became very confused. It wasn’t a memory issue. It became a confusion thing. I can say all that now, but I couldn’t then.

My psychiatrist quit and I am dealing with a new provider. Which has taken me off my anti-depressant. I was really upset. I’ve been on one my whole life until I got to this community clinic. Then I asked a year ago for one because I believed I needed one. Then this new provider took me off because she saw I was only on it for a year. I stopped taking it for a week because of side effects and I went in thinking I was going to be able to change it to something else (because of the side effects). I was just taken off.

I try to write when I have some clarity. I’ve been putting off updating the past three days so I can write with clarity.

I’m really nervous I will fail my courses in college because I am only halfway through. I just started back going to college, so this is not a good thing that is happening.

I’m really not sure how I will get through this.

Lack Of A Support System


My therapist appointment didn’t go well. I called my clinic for help the other day, and I was met with having to sign a consent form to make sure I took my medications. At that point I didn’t even want to talk to my therapist about what was going on with me. I don’t really trust my therapist. I never really have, but I’ve tried opening up once. I don’t know if I can do that again. They want me to be honest, and open, but when I am I feel like it’s used against me. I just can’t trust anyone like that.

No one really understands my situation, but I get that. No one really knows what I’m going through, but I get that. Partly because, I just don’t either tell anyone anything or I say I’m “Ok”. I’m also partly paranoid about telling people stuff, but I know no one can help me. I’ve been in the mental health system since I was 12 or 13, and I have never gotten the help I needed, or true help. I’m put through ringers, or I slip through the cracks. That’s mostly what happens. So when I got around 20 years old I just quit telling people what’s truly going on with me. Just everybody. Not just mental health professionals, but family.

I feel completely lost, and without so much hope, because I have no real support system. My mental health support at my clinic is not stable. They’ve changed my psychiatrist and therapist two or three times in the past two years i’ve been there. I have no friends and my family is in pieces. The typical divorced parents, and one parent does not contact me much.

Blog For Mental Health 2015


“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”  

I started having symptoms around when I was about 9 years old. I would become paranoid when my parents went to work. I figured what they were really doing was going to a secret warehouse complete with cameras and microphones, watching my every move in the house, through the tv screens.

I got older and I noticed kids and teens around my school would follow me, legitamely bully me, and watch me. I supposed they were planning to jump me or possibly kill me. I had to goto my first psychiatric hospital at 13, for depression and self injury. The first of about 20+ later on down the line. Rumors spread around the school about me that I possibly killed myself, or went to jail, because of my prolonged absence from school.

Everything went left when I got about 17, I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder. Had been through numerous hospitalizations by that age that were horrifying. A psychiatrist attempted to have me committed to a residential treatment facility. I got out of that somehow.

Fast forward to now, I’m 24. Between 18 and 24 (now), I’ve been hauled off to many psych facilites by law enforcement, on disability, and almost had charges against me for assaulting someone who I thought was following me and watching my every move.

Thats a very small summary of my life with mental health. I hope you enjoyed reading it.

blogformentalhealth.com

Panic Attacks & My Clinic + Updates


Ok first I’ll be honest I cant guarantee that i will always be writing here. Im on forums a lot and other forms of social media. I also write in a pen & paper journal.

Though, I’ve decided to update this page a little bit.

I’ve added:

My twitter account (Which I use pretty frequently)

My Youtube page/V-log/Video Blog

Other random widgets to make my page look nice.

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My psychiatrist recommended me more therapy, but my therapist is hesitant to give me more therapy. They work at the same clinic, in the same building and down the hall from each other. Yet they both aren’t aware of each others treatments on me. Makes no sense. Ever since my old therapist there resigned, this new therapist has been treating me like i’m just another dollar to her. Which I probably am.

I only get therapy 30 minutes, once a month.

Re-read that. It’s true.

I can’t afford more right now or for awhile and I can’t afford to quit therapy.

I feel entirely on my own. Im trying to go back to school. A job is out of the question. Sometimes I dont see the point. Right now I have a little more optimism in life than usual. Thats only because going back to school is giving me something to live for. Although I dont always want to do it. I dont go face to face. I go online.

My panic attacks since the past two months have been so severe. I curl up into a ball sometimes. I vomit. I tremble and shake. I’m physically bent over in mental pain. I sweat. My field of vision narrows. I feel like I’m going to black out. Sometimes I wake up with anxiety. Every night I goto bed with anxiety.

I have called my therapist about it. She has never returned my call…

Hospital Stay


I was in the hospital for a week.

That would make about something above 12 or 13th time.

I’m not going to go into it now but…way above.

 

Im tired of these. Mostly scared. They do change your environment and thats good for awhile. the doctor didnt really care about me. thats usual. im not for the mental health system though in general. my outside psychiatrist knew this hospital doc put me on a lashing of meds that wouldnt help. a crap load of crap…is what i say.

i was trying to stay away from the intramuscular shots for noncompliance but they caught up to me…

im on them the moment i got out pretty much. within 7 days. i hope i never have to goto mental health court.

 

im starting to slip into fear and paranoia again. i dont know if its paranoia or true. i really dont know. i do know i feel fear. lots of it. already. or not a lot but its starting to come back onto me again.

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