Tag Archives: psychology

Project in the Works


Hey guys!

Hope your weekend was kind to you! I have been absolutely exhausted due to a new raise on the dosage of my medication. I had debated about raising it with my doctor, for about 2 months. We did it, and now I seem unable to function daily with this new dosage so far. I’ve only been on it for a week, and I am so tired when I feel like I shouldn’t be.

I have a question for you guys. I had thoughts about making a sort of mental health planner. It would be somewhat like a regular planner, but it would have a mental health focus to it. Where you could, maybe, write down moods, journal, etc, maybe even have a place to write about your medications.

Would you guys buy it?

Let me know if this is worth it!

(BTW: Went to a petting zoo. Saw this little piggie!)

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

A Little Forethought


I should’ve seen it coming a mile way. I’m know myself better than anyone, right? Better than any doctor, psychiatrist, therapist, right? But I thought I would be fine.

I’m late posting this, very late, because today (see: this morning) I went through a grueling emotional rollercoaster, and physical turmoil. I didn’t have my medication. I was out, and I hadn’t slept all night.

I was out due to some error on either my pharmacy’s side, or my doctor’s side. Which ended up having to have my medication pre-authorized, but I was out. I was already feeling the physical, mental, and emotional withdrawals that come with antipsychotic withdrawals.

I was told I would have to pay out of pocket to get the medication, or wait days for it to be pre-authorized. I decided to pay out of pocket. Went up to a local pharmacy, and they quoted me at $400. Which I did not have. I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I turned around and looked at my fiance, and began to spiral at the pharmacy, emotionally. The lady asked if me I wanted to wait for the authorization. I almost said yes, but instead said, “Can you use GoodRx?”. She said “Yes”, and I prayed for a lower price. She told me it would be $52 dollars total. I went and shopped for groceries, and came back, nervously. She said they didn’t have enough in stock, but she could give me a 3 days supply, and I can come back in three days and get the rest. That I wouldn’t have to pay anything for today.

I breathed a sigh of relief, and my thoughts calmed in my head. I looked over at my fiance, and gave him a look of relief, but a look of the fear I had been holding in all day.

I should’ve seen it coming, missing a night’s and day’s worth of medication, but I didn’t. For one, this was a semi-new medication for me, so I didn’t know what to expect with missing a day’s worth of pills. I thought I could will myself through it, though. That was my biggest mistake. I’ve already been under enough stress while on all my medications. So, I’m not quite sure what made think I could be ok going without, especially when I didn’t know how long I’d be without.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Third Book In Process


Hey guys!

I am currently in process of writing my third book. I’ve been collaborating with my former peer support specialist, who worked with me when I was very sick and catatonic. She is one of the people that gave me faith, hope, and tough loved. Her tough love was unorthodox in the mental health system, considering what it was, but as I got more recovered I latched onto that tough love in order to achieve what I have today. This third book will be my life story (although, not all of it) of how I went from being in a catatonic state of Schizophrenia to where I am now, working in the mental health field.

This is quite exciting for me, in so many ways. I want others to read this book. And have hope that you can come out of the deepest trenches of mental illness and still be able to live your best life. It’s very much possible!

I’m in the beginning stages, and I hope to get a traditional publisher for this one. So, stay tuned!

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Something Cathartic Happened Today


I am home today with nothing to do. I couldn’t snag any hours today with Instacart, my other jobs haven’t come through yet, and I have nowhere to go. I’ve cleaned the house already, yesterday, like a maniac.

So i’ve been in bed all day, thinking.

And that’s where things get bad.

I had a panic attack.

I shouldn’t be doing that. Every. Single. Time, i’m idle like that I start thinking about my past and how I used to be. Except this time, I started to realize something. I’ve changed.

When I was teen, and younger, I was very shy and quiet. I liked artsy things, I was gothic, and then punk and emo. I played music, etc. Then when I got sick around my early twenties, I was so deathly afraid of people. I barely left my house, barely showered, stopped my meds cold turkey and almost become catatonic, I was so sick. I started reading more about philosophy, religion, and got into government conspiracies. You get the picture.

Now, within the past few years, as I have recovered from Mental Illness, I have become quite a social butterfly. Not a lot, but enough to have a good amount of friends and keep them. Instacart, back then (or anything like it), would’ve been a pipe dream. Or maybe a nightmare for me.

And it was then, I felt confused for the first time.

Here I am, having gone through so much and changed so much, and STILL changing. It’s as if I’ve lost myself or maybe part of myself along the way.

Like I don’t even know who I am anymore. And I need help. I need grounding. I need guidance. Or something like it.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Extroversion Eludes Me


Extroversion eludes me.

I’m not naturally extroverted. Is that ok? My parents have been divorced since I was about 15. My father works all day, and I’m home all day. Right now I’m in college, so I’m studying and I try to get out and try to keep myself busy but it’s not that easy, especially when I have no one else to spend my time with. I don’t know but one or two other people I can spend my time with that’s not my parents. Although, I end up spending my time with my parents.

So extroversion naturally just eludes me. It just naturally slips away from me, between my fingers. I can never hold onto it, as much as I wish or want to.

The funny thing about all of this is what I’m studying. Studying philosophy, and existentialism being my favorite topic, is a profound thing. I found out where I am on the totem pole of human beings and extroversion vs introversion. Of course, that’s also a topic for psychology, being a big thing with Carl Jung.

I’ve always done things alone. Activities, working, playing, etc, I have done alone. I have always felt that I have wanted to do things alone, but at the same time I have felt I’ve always done things best when I’ve done them alone. I’ve gotten things done more efficiently alone, and the outcome has been better. As I’ve gotten older I’ve stayed the same a bit, but maybe have wanted more of a balance between introversion and extroversion. Not so much introversion. I think it’s because I’ve had more introverted time as I’ve gotten older, and I feel I need to be exposed to more people to balance it out. I could possibly go back to wanting more introversion. Overall, I feel I need a balance. At least for right now. I still know know for sure, though, that I am highly more introverted than extroverted. But is that ok? In this society it doesn’t feel ok. Not as ok as it plays out to be.

My Trichotillomania


Not sure if i ever mentioned it but i have had trichotillomania since I was 9 years old. I havent had eyebrows and eyelashes fully since i was 10 or 11. Meaning theyve been completely pulled out by then. I only pulled from those places…

until three years ago i started pulling from my hair. it was fairly innocent i think like how it initially was. i pulled out from my scalp to keep stray hairs from getting into my food or on my clothes because it was disgusting to me and a pet peeve. a year later i i found it calming to run my hand through my hair to groom the stray hairs out. so much so that it got to a point where i found myself doing it unknowingly because it was was stress reducing.

the past year now i have noticed lots of baby hairs popping up from my scalp and my hair seemingly thinning…

i already know why i pull. i pull because of stress. because i notice when im stress free my hair start to grow in on my eyebrows.

i have been crying and crying everytime i see more baby hairs and seeing my scalp looking rather thin than last time because i KNOW i am DREADING almost with every ounce of me, the day where i will have patches but most likely thinned hair from pulling. i mean im dreading to the point of feeling suicidal and i dont think ive ever felt suicidal from having trichotillomania. if i have it wasnt noteworthy enough.

im absolutely devasted. just devastated. its killing me.

and the worst part of all of it…is i cant stop.

i cant stop pulling…

😥

Parents Who Help


sometimes im jealous of people who have parents that do everything they can to help them through stuff like this. all the stories ive read about people (usually moms) doing all this stuff and learning about the issues with their child and finding them help.

it brings a real heartache to my chest.
thats never been either of my parents TBH.
they initially didnt want me to have anything to do with psychiatry when I was a teen. very little. i begged for help at the time because living was very unbearable. i eventually hit a rock bottom and quite literally physically and mentally and emotionally dropped out of school without actually technically dropping out. even though before i was giong to  psychiatrist and been to a hospital, they took it more seriously when i became 17 and had become I think so depressed and not doing anything, that I had my first full psychotic break.

they still dont know what to do. or how to do anything. just like in the past. except now they have left it really all up to the mental health system of which i want nothing more than to run away from.  but i am not someone who is able to live without some kind of help. its never proven to be more hard and uncomfortable living with schizophrenia until the early twenties of my life. i will be 23 this month and even though i was diagnosed with schizoaffective at 17 and had symptoms since about 9 years old, It hasnt proven to be so hard until i hit 20 and has become so unrelentingly, mindblowing, head spinning, disorientingly, sicken-ly, harder every year i have grown older.

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